You hate the fact that you bought the dream and they sold you one..

Life hasn't exactly been all that easy lately. I haven't had a whole lot to say, because none of it is all that uplifting. So many things have been on my mind and so many people are hurting and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even explain how I feel. All I can say is, that in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I can give a list of things that I am thankful for and pray for everything to get better. With that being said, these are the things that I am thankful for, the things that I couldn't make it through without...

1. I am thankful for my best friend. She is my rock and the only person that keeps me sane when times are tough. I truly believe that God put us in each other's lives when He did for a very important reason, because we have both been through the toughest times in our lives and wouldn't be able to get through them without each other. I truly believe that I wouldn't be able to be a responsible person in life without her support.

2. I am thankful for another very important person in my life who has been there for me off and on for many years now and has always treated me well and helped me build my confidence from the ground up. This person is genuinely a good-hearted person who picked up the pieces for me after my dad died and let me cry on his shoulder when all I thought I wanted to do was stay strong. This person has been there any and every time I have felt like I hit rock bottom, and for that I am thankful.

3. I am thankful for my family, who has always been supportive no matter what I have done in life. They have always been there for me and we have all surrounded each other through some pretty difficult times. If it weren't for my family, I don't know where I would be today, but I know for a fact that I would not be in a happy place if it weren't for my family. I love each and every one of them with all my heart. I know I can count on them.

4. I am thankful for my education and my career and all the opportunities both have provided for me. If it weren't for my education, I wouldn't have my career, and if it weren't for my career, I wouldn't feel the fulfillment and satisfaction of knowing I have improved the lives of other people. I absolutely love my job. It does have it's ups and downs, but I love coming home at the end of the day knowing that I have helped other people and made their lives better. Nothing is more rewarding than getting paid to help others.

5. I am thankful for a roof over my head and food to eat. There are so many people out there who are suffering more than I am. I am thankful to be warm tonight and to have a place to feel safe and secure.

These are just a few of the things that I am thankful for. I know it's not a long list, but these are the things that are important to me. It hasn't been easy, thinking of things to be thankful for after a year that has been so hard. There have been plenty of times this year that I have felt like everything is falling apart. But know in my heart, that with these things that I am thankful for, I will make it and I will be ok.

quote of the day

Patient: Well, I guess after I go home, I'm going to have to make the dog bark to wake my husband up in the middle of the night when I have to get up so he will wake up and walk with me to the bathroom.

Me: Yep. Your dog will come in handy.

Patient: That dog is somethin' else, let me tell ya. He is so hyper.

Me: What kind of dog is he?

Patient: Yorkie.

Me: What's his name?

Patient: Gizmo

Me: oh yeah, you told me that. That is so cute.

Patient: We should have named him hemorrhoid.

here I am again, kickin' dust in the canyon wind.

I'm still alive! I haven't even been that busy, I suppose that's why I feel I have nothing very news-worthy to say. Current events in my life are very boring. But here's a quick run-down of the most exciting things that have happened to me within the past few weeks:

• Walked/Ran and completed the Columbus half-marathon a couple of weekends ago. I actually thought it was more fun this year than last, even though I wasn't expecting it to be. I was a little bummed that my mom couldn't walk it with me this year, but she did go and show her support. We had a lot of fun and stayed in a really nice hotel and ate really good food the night before the race.
• I've lost 5 pounds since summer and I'm not really sure how or why, but I am certainly not complaining and as long as I can maintain this weight that I am at right now, I'm happy because all of my clothes fit.
• I finally got a raise at work. It wasn't anything to brag about, but it was still a raise and I am very happy and excited about it.
• I have currently budgeted to have a hot tub and patio by next year at this time. I have stayed on track with my savings and I am very happy to say that I will be making this happen within 12 months from now. I know it's not a pool, but a hot tub can be used all year round and does wonders for weary people like me who have back pain every day.
• I'm going to Wisconsin to see my brother in a couple of weeks. I'm pretty excited to see him and his family. I haven't seen them since Labor day and that's been far too long. It's going to be a quick trip, but I'm excited to go.
• I do have to work this year on Christmas Eve, which is a real bummer since I will probably end up working late that day. We are always really busy on Christmas Eve. On the plus side, since I'm working Christmas Eve, I will be getting a long weekend over New Years. I haven't yet decided what I'm going to do with my 4 days off, but I haven't ruled out a mini-vacation of some sort. It will be the pre-vacation to my Mexico vacation.

That's pretty much it. Pretty boring, I know. I have been entirely too lazy the past few weeks. All I do is go to work and come home and go to bed. It's pathetic. I am behind on so many things that I need to catch up on. So I guess I will go get started on some cleaning and then hopefully accomplish something else productive.

Quote of the day

Patient: I'm so sorry I forgot to have my husband bring my walker from home.

Me: That's ok, you can just have him bring it any time between now and when you go home. I just need to adjust it to make sure it's the right size for you.

Patient: Well my husband said he can bring it tomorrow morning, but he has to work really early. If he brings it in before work, will the hospital be open that early the morning?

I set fire to the rain..

Well, needless to say, there have been some updates to my life in the past month. The first one being that Ryan and I broke up and even though I am the one that made the final decision to break up, I'm 100% sure it was a mutual decision. I don't have anything negative to say about him. It just wasn't meant to be. My life has definitely been a lot quieter lately, but there are some lessons to be learned in all of this and I am going to take them for what they're worth.

Lesson #1: Don't ever forget who you are. In the process of being in a relationship with someone who has 4 kids, I devoted so much time and effort into them and their lives that I completely forgot my own. I put a lot of my priorities on the back burner and never took the time to sit down and remember my own wants and needs. I will no longer do that.

Lesson #2: Don't ever make someone a priority if they only make you an option. I made the huge mistake of making someone a priority over my friends and family, spending all my time with him and his family I guess to prove that I was committed. I do believe that the person you love should come first, but I know now that it was too soon to start prioritizing.

Lesson #3: Your true friends will still be your friends no matter what. My friends have proven time and again throughout my life that they are genuinely true friends, but this time they have really come through to show their support. Friends that I have not seen in many months have checked on me to make sure that I am alright. These are true friends and I can only hope that I would display the same level of kindness and caring to them as they have for me.

Lesson #4: Your family will always be your family. I love my family with all of my being. Although I may not always show it, I do. And to have them stand by me through all the good times and bad, well.. that's just what families do and I am so very blessed to have mine, because they are the greatest.

Lesson #5: Don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't successful. I don't like to brag on my own accomplishments, therefore I hardly ever do. And I think other people tend to forget the fact that I am smart and I do know a thing or two about life and I have gone through graduate school. I will never again let someone treat me like I am not smart. Yes I will admit that I have had help to get to where I'm at today, who hasn't? But I have built this life by my own effort. I did the work to get through grad school. I got the job. And I have my own house and my own cars and I pay my own bills. I won't let anyone make me feel like I am not smart.

So those are the lessons I've learned through this experience. Everything happens for a reason. I can smile because I have good memories from it and now I've moved on. There is more waiting for me in this life and I'm ready to find out what that is.

Life and Loss

Most who read this regularly already know that my dad passed away last week. Words can't really describe how I felt when I found out. I guess you'd have to know my entire life story and understand the circumstances to really even begin to grasp the mix of emotions that I have been feeling over the past 28 years. I can tell you with complete honesty that when the phone rang last Tuesday night at 10:44 pm and I saw that it was my brother calling, I knew exactly, without a shadow of a doubt, what he was calling to tell me before I even picked up the phone. And even after he told me, I was still shocked. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, if you didn't live through the circumstances, you wouldn't understand. In the days that followed, I felt a mixture of shock, anger, sadness, rage, loneliness, fear, regret, bewilderment and grief. I can't help but wonder what if, even though I can't change anything. In the end, I don't have any regrets. I did what I thought was best in an effort to get him the help that he needed. He did not choose to get help. But that does not change the fact that I have lost my father and I am sad that he is never coming back.

All in all, my dad was not a perfect father, not even close. He was not a perfect person, not even close. He had many faults and he did not do his best to be a good dad to me. But he was still my dad. He led a life that I will never understand. He did a lot of things that I will never understand. But I loved him regardless. And although I don't have too many happy memories of my dad, I do have some that I will never forget... I remember my dad taking me fishing some pond around Bryan. I don't remember where it was exactly or who owned it, but I can remember going a few times just the two of us and my dad teaching me how to get the fish off the hooks without getting cut. I remember my dad sitting me down one day when I was still in elementary school and telling me that when I grew up I could be anything I wanted to be and no matter what it was, he would support me. My dad took me to Las Vegas many times, but we took a trip for my 21st birthday, which was on a Sunday. We had a very early flight that morning, so we stayed overnight at the hotel at Detroit airport the Saturday night before. He set the alarm for midnight so we could get up and go down to the hotel bar and have a drink at the very minute I turned 21. We talked about how cool it was going to be when the bar tender asked me for my ID. When the clock turned midnight, I ordered my drink, and the bartender served me without even asking to see my ID. We laughed and laughed and I will never for get that. For that same trip, he let me choose where I wanted to stay and we stayed at a suite at the Venetian where I won $750. My fondest and favorite memory of my dad is a boring one. There is not much to tell. But I will never forget one Saturday that my dad took me out for breakfast to Lester's Diner in Bryan just the two of us. I was probably 6 or 7 years old. We sat at a booth at the diner and ate our breakfast and he paid attention to me and only me for the entire time we sat there. I remember feeling so special for those couple of hours. I don't remember what either of us ate or what our waitress looked like. But I can remember the song that was playing and ever since then, it has been one of my favorite songs only because it has always reminded me of Lester's Diner and spending that time with my dad. The song was "Saturday in the Park" by Chicago.

I pray that my dad is at peace now.

Life is good.

It has been quite some time since I've posted, but this summer has been very busy yet very fun. So many things have been going on, I'm not quite sure where to begin...

The big summer project right now is Ryan's pool. He's putting in a 16' x 32' pool in his backyard. He found the one he wanted in Cleveland, went there and tore it down, and now is in the process of putting it back up. It is going to be so nice when it's done. I've been helping when I can, when I'm not at work and when I'm not too tired from work to help. We worked on it for a good 8 hours today in the 95 degree sun all day. All the sand is down and the forms for the bottom are set, but it has to be completely leveled off yet. It's going to take a while to get it all done, but it's going to be amazing. He has been putting a lot of work into it.

Work has been going decent. We were pretty busy a couple of weeks ago and the other PT I work with was on vacation, so it was just me and my boss and the assistants. It was a little crazy and stressful. Now the other PT is back from vacation and we are not so busy, so it's been alright. I am really feeling like an official PT now and actually feel like I know what I'm doing and have some authority around there. I'm not on a power trip or anything, but I do feel like I have more responsibilities now and have earned my place there and gained respect from my peers. Even though the work can be hard (literally heavy lifts), I'm enjoying taking on more complex cases. It makes me feel good to have built a good reputation there.

In addition to work and helping build a pool, everything else in my life seems to be going good at the moment. I have made a lot of positive changes in my life that I'm really happy about. For one thing, I am working very hard on having a new attitude of not sweating the small stuff. I am trying not get bothered by little things that used to really irritate me. Life's too short to get stressed about small things. Another positive change - I have quit drinking. Completely. I thought about it for a long time and never could make myself give it up. But I have decided that it's for the best and the best thing for me to do is just not have any alcohol at all. So I am done. I dumped out every alcoholic beverage that I had in the house and that's it. It's been an adjustment, but nothing I can't handle. A lot of diet pop and crystal light and iced tea and I am fine. Life's too short for being too inebriated to enjoy it. I've also taken up some better hobbies (when I have time for hobbies). It had been a really long time since I actually sat down and read a book for enjoyment. Last week I went to walmart and bought 4 new books and I'm already through 2 of them and will probably get to the library the next evening they are open to see if I can find a few more. I barely use Facebook anymore. I used to be a Facebook addict. Now I really only check it once a day for about 30 seconds. I have a lot more free time to do productive things than sit around updating my Facebook page every 5 minutes. I'm also going to start cooking more often and stop eating quick fix meals like nachos and hot pockets. I haven't cooked a decent meal like I used to in a really long time. I'm going to start again.

So that's what's been going on with me. I feel like it's all been good. This has been a pretty good summer and I think it's going to continue that way. And at the end of summer, I have a week's vacation over Labor Day to look forward to. Life is good.