Life and Loss

Most who read this regularly already know that my dad passed away last week. Words can't really describe how I felt when I found out. I guess you'd have to know my entire life story and understand the circumstances to really even begin to grasp the mix of emotions that I have been feeling over the past 28 years. I can tell you with complete honesty that when the phone rang last Tuesday night at 10:44 pm and I saw that it was my brother calling, I knew exactly, without a shadow of a doubt, what he was calling to tell me before I even picked up the phone. And even after he told me, I was still shocked. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, if you didn't live through the circumstances, you wouldn't understand. In the days that followed, I felt a mixture of shock, anger, sadness, rage, loneliness, fear, regret, bewilderment and grief. I can't help but wonder what if, even though I can't change anything. In the end, I don't have any regrets. I did what I thought was best in an effort to get him the help that he needed. He did not choose to get help. But that does not change the fact that I have lost my father and I am sad that he is never coming back.

All in all, my dad was not a perfect father, not even close. He was not a perfect person, not even close. He had many faults and he did not do his best to be a good dad to me. But he was still my dad. He led a life that I will never understand. He did a lot of things that I will never understand. But I loved him regardless. And although I don't have too many happy memories of my dad, I do have some that I will never forget... I remember my dad taking me fishing some pond around Bryan. I don't remember where it was exactly or who owned it, but I can remember going a few times just the two of us and my dad teaching me how to get the fish off the hooks without getting cut. I remember my dad sitting me down one day when I was still in elementary school and telling me that when I grew up I could be anything I wanted to be and no matter what it was, he would support me. My dad took me to Las Vegas many times, but we took a trip for my 21st birthday, which was on a Sunday. We had a very early flight that morning, so we stayed overnight at the hotel at Detroit airport the Saturday night before. He set the alarm for midnight so we could get up and go down to the hotel bar and have a drink at the very minute I turned 21. We talked about how cool it was going to be when the bar tender asked me for my ID. When the clock turned midnight, I ordered my drink, and the bartender served me without even asking to see my ID. We laughed and laughed and I will never for get that. For that same trip, he let me choose where I wanted to stay and we stayed at a suite at the Venetian where I won $750. My fondest and favorite memory of my dad is a boring one. There is not much to tell. But I will never forget one Saturday that my dad took me out for breakfast to Lester's Diner in Bryan just the two of us. I was probably 6 or 7 years old. We sat at a booth at the diner and ate our breakfast and he paid attention to me and only me for the entire time we sat there. I remember feeling so special for those couple of hours. I don't remember what either of us ate or what our waitress looked like. But I can remember the song that was playing and ever since then, it has been one of my favorite songs only because it has always reminded me of Lester's Diner and spending that time with my dad. The song was "Saturday in the Park" by Chicago.

I pray that my dad is at peace now.

Life is good.

It has been quite some time since I've posted, but this summer has been very busy yet very fun. So many things have been going on, I'm not quite sure where to begin...

The big summer project right now is Ryan's pool. He's putting in a 16' x 32' pool in his backyard. He found the one he wanted in Cleveland, went there and tore it down, and now is in the process of putting it back up. It is going to be so nice when it's done. I've been helping when I can, when I'm not at work and when I'm not too tired from work to help. We worked on it for a good 8 hours today in the 95 degree sun all day. All the sand is down and the forms for the bottom are set, but it has to be completely leveled off yet. It's going to take a while to get it all done, but it's going to be amazing. He has been putting a lot of work into it.

Work has been going decent. We were pretty busy a couple of weeks ago and the other PT I work with was on vacation, so it was just me and my boss and the assistants. It was a little crazy and stressful. Now the other PT is back from vacation and we are not so busy, so it's been alright. I am really feeling like an official PT now and actually feel like I know what I'm doing and have some authority around there. I'm not on a power trip or anything, but I do feel like I have more responsibilities now and have earned my place there and gained respect from my peers. Even though the work can be hard (literally heavy lifts), I'm enjoying taking on more complex cases. It makes me feel good to have built a good reputation there.

In addition to work and helping build a pool, everything else in my life seems to be going good at the moment. I have made a lot of positive changes in my life that I'm really happy about. For one thing, I am working very hard on having a new attitude of not sweating the small stuff. I am trying not get bothered by little things that used to really irritate me. Life's too short to get stressed about small things. Another positive change - I have quit drinking. Completely. I thought about it for a long time and never could make myself give it up. But I have decided that it's for the best and the best thing for me to do is just not have any alcohol at all. So I am done. I dumped out every alcoholic beverage that I had in the house and that's it. It's been an adjustment, but nothing I can't handle. A lot of diet pop and crystal light and iced tea and I am fine. Life's too short for being too inebriated to enjoy it. I've also taken up some better hobbies (when I have time for hobbies). It had been a really long time since I actually sat down and read a book for enjoyment. Last week I went to walmart and bought 4 new books and I'm already through 2 of them and will probably get to the library the next evening they are open to see if I can find a few more. I barely use Facebook anymore. I used to be a Facebook addict. Now I really only check it once a day for about 30 seconds. I have a lot more free time to do productive things than sit around updating my Facebook page every 5 minutes. I'm also going to start cooking more often and stop eating quick fix meals like nachos and hot pockets. I haven't cooked a decent meal like I used to in a really long time. I'm going to start again.

So that's what's been going on with me. I feel like it's all been good. This has been a pretty good summer and I think it's going to continue that way. And at the end of summer, I have a week's vacation over Labor Day to look forward to. Life is good.

I haven't had much to say in a while. It's been a lot of the same for me. Busy busy busy. The summer is just flying by with activities, but all good so far. I've been spending a lot of time up at the ball park to watch baseball games, which has me reminiscing a lot about when I was a kid and playing up there myself. I really miss those days. Life was so much simpler then. I miss having a summer that consisted of riding my bike around town, swimming at the pool, and playing softball. I really miss those times. With that being said, I am going to try my hardest to win the lottery and retire early so I can re-live my childhood, because here are the things I miss most about it:

1. Swimming at the pool uptown from 1-5 and 7-9 every single day all summer long (and if I win the lottery I can pay to restore it and do it again).

2. The house we lived in on Fayette street that is next door to my mom's house now (and if I win the lottery I will buy it back just so I can go hang out in it whenever I want to and remember how much I loved it).

3. Sleeping in.

4. Walking to the Frosty Haus (Cruiser's now) and getting ice cream at random times during the day.

5. Riding my bike all around town.

6. Actually having time to read books and magazines.

7. Sitting on the front porch in the evening watching traffic go by without a care in the world.

8. Climbing trees.

9. Going out to my Grandma Ziegler's house and doing all kinds of awesome activities.

10. NOT having to work.

Puppies

Well it's been awhile. Life's been pretty crazy, but I wouldn't change it. Well, I'd change the working part for an early retirement, but other than that, no I wouldn't change anything. Work has had it's fair share of challenges lately. Let's just say that if I could go to work and just do my regular job every day without other people stepping in and trying to alter/change things without my knowledge/consent, then I would have nothing to complain about. But since I don't live in a perfect world, I spend a lot of time whining when things that are out of my control go wrong/get blamed on me/make my work day miserable. Oh well. I guess that's life.

On the plus side, I have a great group of friends and family. And I just found out that my brother and his family are coming home for the weekend so that gives me something pretty fun to look forward to. Plus, Ryan's oldest son graduates high school this weekend and there are a TON of graduation parties to attend. It's going to be busy, but fun.

The only other news in my life is that I am currently contemplating getting a puppy (again). I haven't made my mind up yet, especially since this particular puppy is very expensive, but I am really seriously considering getting it. It is so cute. It's a Padderdale (if I am spelling that right) and so adorable. Ryan's youngest son and I have already named it. I think I might just have to splurge on it and get it, just so Ramona can have a friend to play with and I can finally get another dog after not having one for so long. But we'll see. This puppy is going to cost $500 and I have a trip to Mexico planned for January. Those two items would pretty much use up my entire tax return from this year, so I have some serious decision making to do, because the Mexico trip has already been paid for and is happening no matter what :)

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there and especially mine who is truly amazing. My mom is the greatest mother a person could ever ask for and I love her very much. I appreciate her more than words can say. She has done so much for me in my lifetime and made so many sacrifices for me. She is the strongest person I know and I am so thankful for her.

Counting blessings

I've been in a weird mood lately. I've had a lot of things on my mind. I can't really explain it (nor do I really want to on a public website), but I just can't stop thinking about so many different unresolved things. It's very emotionally draining. However, I am a firm believer that God puts certain people in your life and the exact right time and for specific reasons, and I have to thank Him for my best friend who always listens to me and lets me vent about anything and everything. I have grown wiser over the years when it comes to opening up and talking about things. I am really careful these days to think before I speak. I am so glad though to be able to vent things out to someone who actually listens without interrupting me. I don't know what I would do without her. She is truly my mentor in pretty much everything.

In other news, all I really do these days is work. I have worked 2 weekends in a row now. But on the plus side, I don't work another weekend until June 25. I normally don't work 2 in a row, but another therapist couldn't work today and needed to switch. I was scheduled to work Memorial Day weekend, so I switched with her for that weekend so now I will get a long weekend at the end of this month. I'm pretty happy about that. If my vacation days that I've requested actually work out, then I will be getting a few other days off this summer which will be very much needed. I also got asked to go to Mexico in January next year, which I am SUPER excited about! My one friend at work has a timeshare in the resort part of Mexico and her husband didn't want to go and said she should just take a bunch of friends, so a bunch of us girls are going and it is going to be a blast. I can't wait. I have been needing a vacation so bad.

Things with me and Ryan are still going good. We are both just so busy that I feel like we have hardly seen each other in the past week. He was gone with the senior class on their senior trip as the advisor and I have been working a ton so maybe we will actually get to spend time together sometime soon. I am working in Archbold all next week to cover for their therapist who is on vacation. Even though they work longer hours, my commute won't be as long, so maybe it won't be such a stressful week. We'll see. Wish me luck.

Happenings

I have been really really lazy about updating this... I feel like life has been a bit of a whirl-wind lately. Not a whole lot new has been happening, I'm just staying super busy with work and everything else that life has to offer. I can give you a quick rundown on what's been happening with me since I last posted.

1. I've taken the diet and exercise plan that I keep writing about and actually applied it. I saw some pictures of myself from a few weeks ago and could not believe what I saw. I had to make a change. So I finally did and I'm starting to see a few results. There are times when it's really hard, like when everyone else is ordering the good food at work and I'm stuck eating a salad or the diet food I've packed, but the results are worth it.

2. I am currently playing the lottery like it's going out of style. Not that I hate my job, but it's getting a little stressful lately. I hate to say that, because I truly am blessed to have the job that I have, but there are many days (more here lately) that certain things are really starting to get to me. I can honestly say that I would have no trouble retiring today if I really could.

3. My house is infested with mice. I woke up in the middle of the night last night to the sound of an animal crawling around. My cat started going crazy and ran into the bathroom. I followed her and found her staring at something up in my shower curtain. It was a mouse. I caught it with a plastic walmart bag and threw it out. I went to Dollar General today and bought $20 worth of mouse traps (both live traps for in the house and poison traps for in the garage) and have caught one more mouse in one of the live traps and threw it outside too. Ugh... It is so gross to have rodents in the house. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my cat is a good mouse-catcher.

4. My best friend's mother passed away unexpectedly over the weekend. My friend's name is Renee. Please keep her and her family in your prayers. She's going through a really tough time right now. Her mom was older, but it is still sad when someone passes away, especially when it's so unexpected. Renee has been such a good friend to me through so many things, not just at work, but with everything. I can only hope that I can be there for her like she has been for me.

5. I am in need of a vacation very bad. I really really wish I had the vacation time to take off work for another week long vacation in addition to the time that I have already requested off. I am taking the week of fair (Labor day week) off work and taking the day of Relay for Life off work. But other than that, I haven't decided what vacation days I am going to take this year. I don't have another full week of time built up yet, but I am thinking that I need to get away for a while. I think I've earned it.