The Pursuit of Happiness

Well I guess I will post one more time since it's the weekend and I've been pretty productive for the past 2 days. I have to say that I miss the days of laying around doing nothing all day long, but being busy does make me feel like I actually have a purpose in life. It keeps me from being lonely. I don't know why I've been feeling so lonely lately, it's not like I don't have tons of family around to keep me company, and let's face it, I live right in the center of town. Not that there's tons of things going on in this town, but there are at least cars going by and people outside. I'm not out in the boonies with nothing to see.

I actually did get quite a bit accomplished this weekend. Yesterday I finished all of the homework that my CI gave me and even read the article that my friend's CI gave her. Doing all of that work is not exactly how I would have liked to spend a Saturday, but it did make me feel very accomplished to get it all done. Plus, I really am learning a lot by making myself sit down and do it. I'm sure there are plenty of mindless television shows I could have been watching instead, but I'm glad I was productive. I even took a few hours to study for boards today. Although I am not getting very far, because it's very slow going with the anatomy stuff, I'm at least getting something done.

With my newfound motivation to study for boards and become the best physical therapist I can be to improve the lives of others, I've found the motivation to improve my own life in the process. I have come to the conclusion that I really need to make a full-blown effort to improve my life and be a better person. I think I have made great strides so far. I'm not dating any losers anymore. I'm trying to make more of an effort to have a positive attitude. I'm praying a lot more. I just still feel like there is more that I can do to improve myself. I need to surround myself with people who are positive and supportive and who can help me become the person that I want to be. I've found that the only time I'm really happy and feel like I am heading in the right direction is when I am at church. It probably sounds pretty ridiculous seeing as how I go to such a small church and there are hardly any people my age there, but I feel like it's the only time that I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Even though I'm completely overwhelmed with my clinicals and trying to study for boards and working on extra homework assignments and projects, I feel like I need to step up and be a better person in my church and in my community. If I want to make a name for myself as a doctor of physical therapy and be the person I set out to be 4 years ago, I need to make more of an effort. So, here's a list of things that I am going to give my best effort at accomplishing in order to be a better person and a better role model.

• Participate in more community service activities. This Saturday, my Sunday school class is going to a homeless shelter in Toledo to serve dinner. At first, I was kind of on the fence about going, but today I made the commitment to go and I am actually looking forward to it. I guess I never really thought about the true rewards of giving my time before, but last October, a bunch of us from church went and helped build a house for Habitat for Humanity in Fayette. The family that lives in that house came to church today and it was such a good feeling to know that I actually took part in helping them have a nice home to live in. I want to do more to help other people by serving and giving of my time.
• Participate in more community events in general. I'm not really sure yet how I want to accomplish this, but I know I want to be a more productive member of my community. I've debated for a while now about joining various community organizations, but it's been difficult with the varying hours/locations of my clinical sites. I would hate to join an organization and then not be able to make it to the meetings because of late hours at a clinical that is far away. However, I am seriously looking at joining a community organization, whether it be the athletic boosters, fine arts, etc. I will join one before this year is over.
• Be a more active member of my church. I feel like one of those church members who just kind of shows up every Sunday and doesn't really do a whole lot else. For example, the sign up sheet for nursery went around today. It was for people to sign up to watch the kids that come to church during the sermon and things that kids do not generally find entertaining. But I didn't sign up for any days. I probably should have. But there are other ways to get involved, such as signing up to make food one morning for the Welcome Room, which is probably more my thing.
• Surround myself with people who support me in my efforts. This means, surrounding myself with people who support my decision to be a better person, not those who just laugh at the idea of me trying to be better. Not that I am going to drop all of the friends that I have now. I still love my friends, but I feel like I need to surround myself with others who are more supportive and uplifting. It may take a while for me to find those people and it may be a little lonely for a while, but I am determined to do it. It will be impossible for me to accomplish my goals without support and encouragement from others.
• Trust. This is a big thing for me. I have a very difficult time trusting other people. I am going to make an effort to trust others more. I might get hurt along the way, but I guess that's what life is all about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be overly trusting. But I am going to put more trust in other people and actually let them be a part of my life, rather than shutting them out because I am afraid of what might happen if I let them in.
• Stop living my life by the clock. I am constantly looking at the clock and relying on it to control my life. This is a big thing that I need to just stop. My clinical experience has shown me that I need to knock this off. I have always been one of those people who hates being late for things and will always be 10 minutes early. However, I need to realize that in the real world, time is not that big of a deal. People are going to be a couple of minutes late and in the grand scheme of thing, what's a couple of minutes? What is 10 minutes or 15 minutes? Not that big of a deal. If I have to stay late at work because someone came late for an appointment, are those 15 minutes really going to ruin my night? Not at all. My attitude on this is starting to change. I could have spent those 15 minutes laying around eating and watching crappy television, or I could have spent those 15 minutes helping relieve someone's pain or helping that person re-gain his or her strength or helping that person to walk again. Those 15 minutes aren't worth stressing about.
• Be more active. Even if it's only just 15 minutes of Wii Fit, which isn't even that strenuous of exercise. In the winter-time, it's very difficult to get motivated enough to work out. In the summer, my mom and I can motivate each other to go for walks in the evenings, but in the winter, it's a different story. I have a hard time making myself get up off the couch and doing any sort of physical activity. However, I know I need to practice what I preach, so even if I just get up and do 15 minutes of minimal-effort Wii Fit, at least I got up and did something and had fun. It's also a pretty good study break.
• Be more thankful for what I have. How could I have spent so much time taking all of my blessings for granted? I have been blessed with the most wonderful family that anyone in the world could ask for. They would do anything for me. Just to prove that - this morning both my aunt and my mom offered to cook supper for me any night I wanted them to and this afternoon I went out to my cousin's shop to change the oil in my car and since the auto parts store was closed when I left, he provided the oil and filter, and also filled my windshield wiper fluid and let me use his air compressor to fill my tires. I tried to pay him for his time and he refused to take any money. I do plan to restock his oil and filter, but you don't get much more supportive family members than that. I will NEVER take them for granted and I can only hope that someday I will be able to re-pay them for all that they have done for me. Also, I have been blessed with a beautiful place to live. Who would have thought that my living situation would work out as it did. I was blessed enough to live in my uncle's rental house for over a year, lived in my brothers house for a month, and now I live in the most beautiful apartment with tons of space for a reasonable price. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity. I plan to live here and be grateful for it for quite some time.

These are just a few of the things that I plan on doing, or have already started doing, that will help me become the person I want to be. I may not "have it all" but I am pretty darn close when I really take a look at it. There are really no rewards for laying on the couch doing nothing. A rewarding life comes from hard work, determination, and giving of myself to those around me. Being a positive role model and doing the best I can do to make the place I live a better place to live is what it's all about. I've come to realize that life isn't perfect and we all make mistakes in it. It's up to me to make my life what I want it to be and in my pursuit of happiness, whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

I am determined to stay determined.

Oh goodness, I really need a break. I made it through another week at Wildwood, but not without some exhaustion setting in. I'm not really sure how I am supposed to squeeze in the time to study for boards with all of the homework I've been getting. Don't get me wrong, the stuff that my CI gives me to work on at home is very relevant to what we're doing in the clinic and is very helpful, but there is another girl from my PT class at Wildwood and whenever HER CI gives her homework, he gives it to me as well. Not cool at all. My CI doesn't give HER homework. So, on top of reading 5 articles about the shoulder and answering 15 questions based on these articles, I have to read one random article about ACL injuries. All this weekend. All while trying to study for boards. Who said the weekends were for relaxing?

Last night I came home and fell asleep by 9:30. I've become a real party animal like that. My brain really needed a rest. I woke up this morning with all kinds of motivation to get things done, but I'm losing steam pretty quickly. I'm about half done with my shoulder questions. By the time I finish it, my brain will be too tired to even open the review book for boards. And every time I do open it, I want to cry because we never learned any of the information in it in school. I wasn't kidding when I said that I am going to have to teach myself how to become a physical therapist in the next 4 months. Either I have a serious undiagnosed learning disability or the UT physical therapy program needs to be totally revamped.

But, I just keep plugging away and reminding myself of the ultimate goal. This is hard work, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end. If I truly want to be the best that I can be, I need to get serious. As much as I wish I had more free time, getting my butt kicked like this is really making me a much better PT (well, PT student for now). If all of my clinicals were as easy as the first few were, I would have never pushed myself like this. A small part of me is glad that I am feeling so stupid right now. Working hard to change that is making me more confident. However, don't think that I don't have the days counted down until this clinical is over. 20 more 12 hour work days (and one 8 hour Saturday inservice)....I can do this.

That's a pretty janky looking monster walk..

Wow, Wildwood is for sure kicking my butt. Good thing the people I work with are so amazing and fun to be around, otherwise I would lose my mind. I have never been on such a demanding clinical. It's tough, but I'm so glad I'm getting this experience, because a) it makes all my other clinicals seem easier and b) I'm learning so much more than I have learned in any other clinical. It's just too bad that I am learning so much based on the fact that I ask so many stupid questions and get so many easy questions wrong. Evaluations are still intimidating because my CI does things so much differently than any other CI I have had before and I have a hard time explaining things to patients when I barely (or sometimes don't) even know what I'm talking about. I am really pretty amazed that my CI has not punched me in the face.

On top of all this, I am starting to study for boards, which is entirely too intimidating to think about after working a 12-14 hour day. All I want to do is sleep or actually lay down and watch tv. The big review book came in the mail over the weekend and you wanna talk about intimidating? I feel like I need to teach myself how to become a physical therapist in the next 4 months. Scary! Good thing my former CI let me borrow one of his other review books to practice with as well. The more help I can get the better. However, it's also pretty difficult to start studying for boards when you get homework (or something to study / work on) from your CI every night. He doesn't necessarily give me "homework," but he does give me things to review or look up. If I were actually a smart person, I wouldn't have to work so hard. For example, he gave me some background info on a patient we are going to evaluate tomorrow. The patient had a shoulder surgery that I should be pretty darn familiar with. However, I'm not...So I feel like a normal student would not have to look up every single thing about this type of surgery and what to expect, but I am spending hours tonight doing so, and thus will get no studying for boards done....or sleep.

On the plus side, I have some AMAZING family, who have been super supportive. I couldn't do it without them. My mom has been cooking food and putting it in little to-go containers for me to pick up on my way home for supper a couple of nights a week so that I don't have to cook. She wasn't able to do it tonight, but it just happened that my uncle saw me on my way home tonight and stopped to drop off some fried fish for me! It was amazing. No one realizes just how much time that saves me. The time I would have had to spend figuring out what to cook for supper is valuable time that I could be spending studying. This way, I can just come in my apartment, put my food on a plate, and eat while studying. It's such a time saver and it is very much appreciated!

With that being said, I should get back to studying. If I really want to look somewhat smart tomorrow, I have about 50-75 pages of an ortho book to read. I'm sure I won't get all of that done, so let's just all keep our fingers crossed that I end up skimming the right parts of the chapter.

Surgeries

Just a quick post, because I need a break before I start studying for the night. Today I observed a few orthopedic surgeries at Bay Park (yay for me for making my way around East Toledo without getting lost and/or mugged!). I was supposed to observe a total knee replacement, a bankart repair (that's a shoulder surgery), and an ACL repair. The total knee ended up canceling, so I saw the other 2 and a shoulder scope that ended up being a small rotator cuff repair. It was a very awesome day. Minus the fact that no one gave me a scrub jacket to wear so I was freezing in the OR the whole time and then the lady that promised me she would walk me out so I wouldn't get lost, never came to walk me out, so I had to navigate my way around an unfamiliar hospital. The surgeon I followed was a really nice guy. He really tried to take the time to explain things to me as he was doing them and pretty much just let me follow him the whole day. He only asked me one anatomy question which I actually got right. The surgeries were pretty amazing to watch, especially the ACL repair. It gave me a while new appreciation for the pain that people go through after a surgical procedure like that. I can also say that one job I NEVER want to have is that of a surgical tech or surgical nurse. Talk about high stress. Although the surgeon I observed did take the time to tell one girl who was apparently pretty nervous that she was doing a great job and not to be intimidated. I'm sure not all surgeons take the time to do that. All in all it was a good day, especially since I didn't have to be there until 10:30 and my CI told me that I could just go straight there instead of going to Wildwood first. I got to sleep in a couple of hours! After the surgeries, I went back to Wildwood and pretty much just did one eval and that was it for the day. Tomorrow we have 4 evals, which should make for a super busy day, but that makes the day go by faster, which brings me to my day off faster - a whole day to study. Not that I want to study all day long, but if I want to make it through this clinical without looking like an idiot the entire time and eventually actually pass my boards, I better just grit my teeth, sacrifice some sleep, and study the days/nights away. Coffee and energy drinks are my new best friends :)

Sigh

About to begin week 2. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that I do not end up looking like a complete idiot. I've been studying all weekend and probably retained nothing. I did the homework that my CI asked me to do (create a user/idiot-friendly evaluation form that I can use instead of the ones Wildwood uses because apparently I've been effing those up pretty bad) and I still feel like I am not prepared. I'm pretty much flying by the seat of my pants and praying that God will help me get through it.

Lookin' like a fool...and I have my pants pulled up!

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that our PT program is a total joke. I feel like a complete idiot at my current clinical. My CI isn't making me feel that way, he's actually been pretty nice about the fact that I am a dumb*ss. But every time we see a new patient, I pretty much just stare at him blankly because I have no idea what to do. Yesterday, we were getting ready to evaluate a patient who had bilateral tibial stress fractures and he asked me, "so what do you know about stress fractures?" and I just sat there in silence for a good 30 seconds before finally saying, "uh..well they're more common in runners." and he says, "so what should be look for? what's the most important thing we should consider as far as treatment?" and again I sat in silence for about 2 minutes until I finally said, "well, she might have an eating disorder." oh wow......yeah talk about looking like an idiot. He was like "well, maybe, but we should really look at her ankles. She's likely an over-pronator." Which should have OBVIOUSLY been my first answer. Wow, I feel dumb.

Yesterday I also got schooled by some PTAs on manual therapy because my CI was off for the afternoon. The ATs and Rehab Aides had to show me how to work the cybex machine. And apparently LTR should have obviously stood for "Lateral Trunk Rotation," which I did not know. Someone punch me in the face.

So obviously, after studying all day on Thursday for the surgery observations I am going to be doing on Tuesday (thank goodness for a day away to NOT feel stupid!), I will be studying treatment protocols all weekend. I spent $100 on a book that we SHOULD HAVE been required to purchase in PT school, as it has all the treatment protocols for pretty much any type of orthopedic diagnoses. I'll be attempting to memorize that book in 2 days. Plus, I've recruited my mom to come over and be my test subject for pretty much every single special test and manual therapy technique I can think of to practice between now and Monday. Anyone else who is willing to let me practice on them, please come over, because I definitely need all of the practice/help I can get at this point. Wow...

12 hour days are long

Wildwood (my current specialty internship) is going decent so far, other than the fact that I feel like a complete idiot. There are pros and cons to it right now so I guess instead of trying to come up with witty things to form into a paragraph I will just list those.

Cons:

- I'm supposed to work 7:30 to 6:30 every day but Thursdays. However, this apparently includes a 2 hour lunch break, which isn't so bad. I could use an hour of it to go work out in the gym and another hour to eat. BUT, so far, my CI and I have not had the opportunity to actually take a 2 hour lunch break. They're approximately 30 minutes long, making me the one and only person working in the sportscare rehabilitation clinic that does NOT work out at lunch because having time to chew my food is important to me.

- I feel like a complete idiot every minute of every day. It would have been nice if our program had dedicated a course to teaching us what the different types of orthopedic surgeries were, the rehab protocols after each one, and indications/contraindications for various treatments. But no.....Not to mention the fact that our basic therapeutic exercise class was a joke. I don't even know what the heck I am doing. I stand around and follow my CI around like a lost puppy dog and clarify with him every single thing that I do for any patient before I do it.

- All of the sudden, I completely suck at evaluating patients. At my previous clinicals, I was so confident in my ability to do this and felt like it was no problem at all. Here, I feel like I have no idea what to do/say because the only thing to fill out on the eval form is "chief complaint" and the rest is all objective stuff. So I stumble my way through the evals, making myself look like an idiot and wasting everyone's time by asking irrelevant questions, not asking the relevant questions, and making my patients sit, lay on their side, lay on their back, lay on their stomach, repeat 1 million times over again every time I evaluate someone.

- I can barely write a problem list and goals anymore. All of the sudden, I have lost this ability and pretty much just stare at the plan of care form for about 20 minutes before I can think of any other goals besides "pt. independent with home exercise program," which is a goal that every single patient gets.

- I think my CI thinks that I am a total idiot when it comes to paperwork and documentation. At the end of the day yesterday, he told me to go ahead and go in the office and start working on writing up an eval at 5pm, while he did an eval on his own. When he finished his eval and came back to the office at about 5:45, I was still working on writing up the eval he told me to do. And at the end of the day today, he told me to just go home and he would do all the paperwork later. I'm pretty sure he is sick and tired of me taking so long to do it.

- I have severely underestimated how smart kids and teenagers are. I always end up talking to them like they are small children and then my CI comes over and starts talking to them like they're adults and I feel like an idiot for babying them.

- I am getting really tired of waking up at 5:30am every day.

- I am going to an all day symposium on Saturday, February 27 (which I really did want to go to, it should be interesting), but I just found out that it's going to cost me $60 and it lasts all day...on a Saturday.

- My brain is ridiculously short-term. My CI tells me stuff and 2 seconds later I have forgotten it and have to go back and ask him to repeat it. I'm pretty sure he's getting sick of this. I would be anyway.

- All the hot athletes that we see have girlfriends.

- I am not allowed to date any of the hot athletes anyway.

- I have to do 2 huge projects for this clinical - a service project and a presentation. I'm not looking forward to doing either one. I'm trying to get started studying for boards, and I feel like doing these projects will interfere with that.

- Everyone wears these comfortable shirts that say "sportscare" on them, but I'm sure no one is going to give me one during this clinical, so I have to keep getting dressed up in uncomfortable polos.

Pros

- Even though I'm pretty sure he hates me, my CI is a really nice guy. He has never really made me feel stupid, even when I know I should feel stupid. He has a really nice way of going about it when he feels that I need to change something that I am doing or correct the technique I am using. I have (knock on wood) not felt like I wanted to cry yet.

- All of the employees there are super nice and fun to work with. I have not met one rude person yet. They're all really good-natured and good-humored and seem to really like their jobs. They all work really well together and I have never heard anyone complain.

- I get to observe 3 surgeries for at least 4 hours on Tuesday next week. Even though the surgeries are going to be at Bay Park, I'm super excited about them. I've only ever observed a total hip replacement before, which was pretty boring because I could see pretty much NOTHING the whole time.

- We are so extremely busy at this clinic that the days just fly by so fast, especially the afternoons. I barely have time to look at the clock. I am NEVER bored.

- My CI is giving me a whole library of articles related to sports rehab. He tried to copy all of them onto my USB drive today, but there wasn't enough room. I am so excited to have all of them as a reference. Plus, it will save me so much time trying to organize them all on my own, because he already has them all organized.

- I am getting the service project and presentation out of the way quicker, because this is my specialty internship, and most people in my class aren't doing their specialty internships until next clinical. Since that is when I will be really focused on studying for boards, I'm glad to be getting these projects out of the way sooner. Plus, the weather is really crappy right now so sunshine and warm temperatures aren't distracting me from getting my work done.

- My drive to/from work is only 40-45 minutes every day and I can get there and back 3 times on one tank of gas. This is a huge pro, because I could only get to/from my last clinical 1.5 times on one tank of gas and it took me 55-65 minutes to get there every day.

- This clinical is by far the best learning experience I have had so far. Even though it is challenging and I feel like a complete idiot, I am learning so much more than I ever have before. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that I can learn enough to be independent by the end of the 8 weeks.

Wish me luck!

Getting prepared

After reviewing previous posts, it seems all I ever do on here in complain! And here I have been trying to have a better attitude....I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing a very good job! I've decided to post a long and drawn out entry today, because once Monday comes, these posts are going to be few and far between. Monday starts clinical internship #2, and even though it's not my last internship, this one is my "specialty internship," which means I have to do some sort of service project for it. I can only sit here and dread the possibilities of what this project might be. I have a feeling it's going to be ridiculously time-consuming and if it requires me to spend extra time in Toledo to get it done, I will not be very happy.

I really wish I had a life beyond school, because I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say. I've started studying for boards. No fun at all, because I have no idea where to start, so I spend most of the "study time" trying to decide what to study. Then I realize that instead of studying for boards, I should be reviewing for my next internship, so then I just end up studying anatomy. The review book for boards says that there are "no straightforward anatomy questions on the exam," so then I feel like it's pointless to study the anatomy. However, I have a strong suspicion that even though there are no straightforward anatomy questions on the boards, you probably have to KNOW the anatomy to answer the non-straightforward questions. Since anatomy is not my strong suit, I guess I'll start there. I have a feeling I'm going to be carrying around my ortho notes wherever I go at Wildwood, because special tests are getting the backburner right now.

My new years resolution to get healthier by eating better and working out has been somewhat successful. I say somewhat, because I can't make myself work out every day, especially when it's on the boring bike. I don't care how much music I listen to, that thing is getting very boring. However, I can see myself getting better with it, because I can turn the resistance up higher and pedal faster than I could before. I know I should probably get off my butt and do some p90x videos, but I really don't feel safe "jumping" in my apartment because just walking in it makes me feel like the floor is going to cave through, lol. Ok maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but I still don't think Brooke downstairs in the flower shop would be too happy listening to me jumping and running around for an hour. I'm pretty sure she probably doesn't even like listening to me walk around all day. She's probably going to do a little cheer when I go back to work on Monday. So, back to the point of working out, I'm trying to figure out new and different things I can do indoors (since it is absolutely freezing cold outside and the sidewalks are covered in snow) to exercise. I'm about ready to break down and buy EA sports active for the Wii, but I'm afraid I'll feel like I'm too busy with clinicals to ever even do it. I already have all the therabands and theracords and can't even make myself use those for anything....And I feel like doing core exercises takes too much time and if I'm going to spend a half hour on something, it should be something that burns calories. Ugh. I should probably figure this out before those 12 hour days start kicking my butt.

In other news, I pretty much have no life. My brother is coming to town for one day tomorrow to pick up my uncle's van that he bought off of him. He's actually not even going to be here for a whole day. His original plan was just to have my mom and I pick him up at the airport, bring him back here to get the van, stop and say hi to my grandparents, and then take off back home right away. But now he's decided to stay long enough to have lunch at my grandparents house. I'm glad it's him and not me that has to fly in early tomorrow morning and then drive all the way back tomorrow night. I guess he really wanted that van. As for me, I think it will be a long time until I ever get a new car, which is why I just spent $300 to have mine fixed. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that nothing else goes wrong with it at least until spring time when I can get my Mustang out and drive it again. I think my malibu is just getting sick and tired of driving to Toledo every day. I don't blame it, which is why I am not applying for jobs anywhere in Toledo unless I absolutely really have to. I am sick and tired of driving.

Well, that's it for now. I need to get a little bit more studying in today before I feel like I've accomplished anything. I'll try to make time to keep all of my dedicated fans updated on how my next internship goes.

It's almost here.

My last official "Christmas break" is about to come to an end. I'm trying to make the most of the last few wonderful days. I haven't gotten any studying done, but maybe I can still accomplish that. I also plan to clean and vacuum my entire apartment since vacuuming is my least favorite activity in the entire world and I only do it about every 6 months, if that. Other than those activities, I plan to lay around and rest up. It sounds like Wildwood might kick my butt as far as long hours and being super busy. Maybe the days will go by fast.

I'm starting to get nervous about sending out my resumes and passing boards. I'm sending in my graduation application today (yes apparently we have to "apply" for graduation). It's all coming to an end and I'm about to join the real world. I'm excited, but I just wish all this hassle leading up to it would be done and over with. I don't mind the clinicals/internships, but the extra homework that comes along with them is such a hassle when you're trying to prepare for everything else. I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be an extremely busy and stressful year, so I'm trying to get prepared. I should probably go stock up on some energy drinks, because I'm pretty sure this is the last week that I will actually get sleep for a while.