Life and Loss

Most who read this regularly already know that my dad passed away last week. Words can't really describe how I felt when I found out. I guess you'd have to know my entire life story and understand the circumstances to really even begin to grasp the mix of emotions that I have been feeling over the past 28 years. I can tell you with complete honesty that when the phone rang last Tuesday night at 10:44 pm and I saw that it was my brother calling, I knew exactly, without a shadow of a doubt, what he was calling to tell me before I even picked up the phone. And even after he told me, I was still shocked. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, if you didn't live through the circumstances, you wouldn't understand. In the days that followed, I felt a mixture of shock, anger, sadness, rage, loneliness, fear, regret, bewilderment and grief. I can't help but wonder what if, even though I can't change anything. In the end, I don't have any regrets. I did what I thought was best in an effort to get him the help that he needed. He did not choose to get help. But that does not change the fact that I have lost my father and I am sad that he is never coming back.

All in all, my dad was not a perfect father, not even close. He was not a perfect person, not even close. He had many faults and he did not do his best to be a good dad to me. But he was still my dad. He led a life that I will never understand. He did a lot of things that I will never understand. But I loved him regardless. And although I don't have too many happy memories of my dad, I do have some that I will never forget... I remember my dad taking me fishing some pond around Bryan. I don't remember where it was exactly or who owned it, but I can remember going a few times just the two of us and my dad teaching me how to get the fish off the hooks without getting cut. I remember my dad sitting me down one day when I was still in elementary school and telling me that when I grew up I could be anything I wanted to be and no matter what it was, he would support me. My dad took me to Las Vegas many times, but we took a trip for my 21st birthday, which was on a Sunday. We had a very early flight that morning, so we stayed overnight at the hotel at Detroit airport the Saturday night before. He set the alarm for midnight so we could get up and go down to the hotel bar and have a drink at the very minute I turned 21. We talked about how cool it was going to be when the bar tender asked me for my ID. When the clock turned midnight, I ordered my drink, and the bartender served me without even asking to see my ID. We laughed and laughed and I will never for get that. For that same trip, he let me choose where I wanted to stay and we stayed at a suite at the Venetian where I won $750. My fondest and favorite memory of my dad is a boring one. There is not much to tell. But I will never forget one Saturday that my dad took me out for breakfast to Lester's Diner in Bryan just the two of us. I was probably 6 or 7 years old. We sat at a booth at the diner and ate our breakfast and he paid attention to me and only me for the entire time we sat there. I remember feeling so special for those couple of hours. I don't remember what either of us ate or what our waitress looked like. But I can remember the song that was playing and ever since then, it has been one of my favorite songs only because it has always reminded me of Lester's Diner and spending that time with my dad. The song was "Saturday in the Park" by Chicago.

I pray that my dad is at peace now.